Tuesday, June 27th, 2006
THE BREAK UP FEELING………..WHY DID I?
The breakup of an important love relationship is the most traumatic of human experiences and we have all suffered through at least one I am sure. In many ways we can more easily cope with the death of a loved one. Although we don’t understand death, at least we understand its finality. With the breakup of a relationship, days and weeks of lingering and haunting "ifs" often follow. The pain can penetrate every fiber of our being. In the days following the breakup we think of little else than the one we loved and trusted, the one we had so much invested in. Everywhere we go we are reminded of them–a face in a crowd, the flash of a familiar shirt, a distant voice, and a song. In an effort to get away from things we may take a trip, only to find that in some way it reminds us of a special place we visited with our loved one. We struggle daily to force them from our thoughts only to find we are spending all of our time doing so.
Confronting My Own Self-Doubts
And then there are the haunting doubts. As the breakup came after a long and painful decision on my part, I may constantly "replay" conversations and constantly re-evaluate the "evidence." Possibly my decision was too hasty; possibly the culprit was my pride? possibly a really honest and open discussion would have cleared things up?…and on and on and on I question my decision.
There are thousands of "ifs," "possibly’s" and "maybe’s."
As for the fact that it is me the person who made the decision to break off the relationship, in addition to my pain, I had left this feeling of helplessness. Possibly I was misunderstood to something? maybe I would had change my mind if I could only explain?; possibly I had heard something that was untrue? Or I think totally it was my real fault.
Indeed, honestly I was the cause of the break up and I do realize that I was weak in a moment to cause the breakup, I may then be left with the extra pain and burden of remorse and guilt piled on top of the pain of separation.
And then there are my well-meaning friends with their misguided efforts and trying to cheer me up by saying I am better off without them.
Dealing with the Hurt
While struggling with the pains of separation I might envy those "swinging singles" who seem to have an "easy come, easy go" attitude about relationships which somehow in one way or the other I had. It may come as some consolation to know that I am fortunate in having the ability to feel both the love (and pain) of separation.
Base to what I heard and perhaps as what Psychologists say base to what I do experienced that despite my vulnerability, and despite the pain I may regularly suffer when I lose love, I am much better off than the people who are unable to develop deep and meaningful relationships.
I think and I guess that without the ability to truly know love they are forced to remain "outsiders" and "observers" to life’s most important human experience.
Even so, the pain of separation hurts, and it hurts very badly.
Never the less I had witness the endless parade of heartbreak songs that have been published, review the writings of poets and I think I suppose so that novelists over the centuries or look at the popularity of psychic advice lines. My experiences have been shared by millions who have preceded me, and I think those people hurt will be experienced by millions more who will follow.
If you only knew it, there are thousands all around in these worlds right now who are feeling the pain of separation and the emptiness of lost love.
Some in anger say, I will never allow it to happen again. That’s just another way of saying, I will never love again.
Sure, for a while it may be necessary to withdraw while healing takes place. But shutting ourselves off from the possibility of love over a long period of time stagnates our life, and it may even eventually send us into a slow, spiraling descent of general withdrawal and despair.
It is said that women take the breakup of a relationship harder than men. But I doubted it so cause in my case it is me that who made the break up as I said a while ago from the beginning of my realization and reflections which somehow I would say that its not only girls know how to make a break up
Ways of Coping with the Loss
There is no one best way to cope with the breakup of a relationship. Each of us is different.
Some people find that it helps to lose themselves in the company of friends. Some don’t want to be around people. Some people find it helps to get away to an entirely different set of conditions. But this didn’t work in my behalf.
Some immediately try to look for a new love interest. Most who try this find that until they get over a previous love, a successful new relationship is impossible.
Nevertheless, there are some important guidelines for coping which somehow I do know from a book been published and it said in here that first, don’t try to immediately repress the hurt. You may only succeed in pushing it beneath the surface where it will eventually make itself manifest in some undesirable, hard-to-uncover form–a general mistrust of affection, a lowered self-concept, general hostility, or whatever.
If you feel like crying, cry. If you feel like ripping up a pillow, rip it up. If it feels good to tear the person’s pictures in a thousand pieces and then set fire to them; do that too. As long as you know that afterward you can live with whatever you do, fine.
So the first step is to accept your hurt as normal and expected. Confront it openly and honestly, but in small, manageable doses.
It’s perfectly all right to feel totally miserable. I am not weak. It is just that I have to apologize or explain to anyone. In short, acceptance in me should taken my hurt as normal and expected, and allow myself of the opportunity to openly work through it.
If I feel that the fault or failure in the relationship was mine, then I guess there is no reason for me then to be afraid to accept the responsibility. So I made a mistake, I had to acknowledge my failure and resolve that it’s one mistake I won’t make again. Contrary to everything I may be feeling it’s not the end of the world.
Specifically, I try to overcome the emotional dependency represented by the relationship. If possible, I do make such plan that is somehow full schedule of things that will give my personal sense of accomplishment and adequacy. I do manage to try to avoid wallowing in sentimentality, pining over love songs, reading old love letters, or reminiscing old times but you know what I can hardly bear in it, in which I do love music and which is something helpful in me not because I want to reminisce but for the fact that still those songs that I had heard are particularly the kind of songs that I am longing to which somehow as I said would help me a lot in moving on.
The Value of Distractions
Distractions can help you deal with your feelings in tolerable stages. A distraction may be the company of friends, a long trip (which obviously I was in HONGKONG and CHINA) or the launching of major and maybe physically-demanding, spare-time project (that if you I can force myself into one).
I do keep myself occupied. Physical activities–jogging, swimming, tennis, badminton or gym. And, l probably also help my sleep. As many people know, just making it through the night is often the most difficult part of each passing day.
I think I don’t need photos or gifts around her that will constantly remind me of the person. Pack them all up and put them away–far away. In a year, or maybe two or three years, I might go through them and keep the things I want and throw out the rest. But to be honest with you, I couldn’t get over with this feeling that I have for her. I was just much on the words but on the deeds that I had to make seems to be not on the same lane.
“My Fiends Advice”
As to my good friend in life and a brother to me tells me that always remember, as time passes you will have an entirely different perspective on things. But for right now avoid the reminders. If it’s obvious that the relationship is (or should be) over, take the "cold turkey" approach. Don’t constantly "replay" or reexamine conversations or arguments you may have had.
Yes, you will want to evaluate the relationship–to honestly admit its good points and its bad points, its rewards and its problems. But unless you know that a major error was made, something that can and should be fixed, walk away from the relationship and leave it behind. Make a clean and complete break. Wounds will heal faster if you don’t risk constantly reopening them.
Although you may believe at this point that you will never love again, try to remember that there is not just one, "right person" in the world for any of us. In time you can love again. And next time you will be a wiser person, a person who has benefited by experience and is now more capable of a successful relationship.
One final word. I said earlier that in surviving the breakup of a relationship we need to work through feelings of "emotional dependency." Most of the pain we experience after breaking off a relationship is centered in that dependency.
In working through the end of a relationship, most people find, or are forced to find, a new inner strength and adequacy. Although people are important to our lives and happiness, no one person should be allowed to be absolutely essential to that happiness.
If you feel that you "can’t live without someone," know that such dependency betrays your own innate worth and sense of adequacy. By divesting responsibility for our own welfare, we make ourselves vulnerable and we can be easily manipulated.
Above all, we must assume responsibility for ourselves. A truly solid relationship can only result from the blending of two truly solid people.
When a relationship ends very painfully, you may have to face your need to assert and build your own adequacy as a separate, adequate human being. Five years from now you may realize that the pain you went through only marked the beginning of a new sense of strength and personal adequacy. There is always a reason for everything and although we can’t seem to see it at the time, as we go forward and analyze our past experience, a glimmer of recognition as to WHY will slowly form if you heart is open to the lesson.
Replying to this words of encouragement as I would call it, all about this stuff of breaking up it seems that I couldn’t resist the possibility that it is still until now in every beat that I had in my heart in which I am totally longing for her presence keeps me wonder all the time as days pass by. I can’t be a man of my word when I said all those things which somehow being precise to the feelings that I had before for it is so unexplainable to what can I truly describe her. I couldn’t measure as to the thickness and the wideness of my desire that I want her back again. Yes I admit that I am that selfish before as to the demands and needs of a relationship but I learned to what it is truly be in love. And I think you would say and approved that it really hurt much when you truly love someone unconditionally.
